Living in the Hotel California

I am in dire straights. I am out of sticks. I am out of carrots.

I fear this may be my last journal entry. 

Allow me to begin where any story should: at the beginning. 

Last night, I took a relaxing bath in my jacuzzi to soothe my aching muscles after my alleged best friend April decided to torture me with physical exertion. Upon my exit from the bath, I grabbed a towel as any normal human would, and began to dry off. Thats when I saw it... a big ass brown spider was camouflaged in my towel! I threw the towel down in utter disgust. The spider scampered underneath the vanity that houses our sinks (and towels...) I cautiously unplugged Andryw Racca's trimmer and threw it on the floor. In war, you must make sacrifices. I cautiously plugged in my hair dryer and decided to blow the beast out of hiding! Unfortunately, there were a great many tuffs of dust and Archer fur that came shooting at me. Being on red alert, I immediately ran out of the room, still nude, slipping on mounds of clothes and towels - no doubt filled with gigantic brown spiders. MY GOD, I thought, HOW MANY OF THEM ARE THERE!? None, I realized. The quest continued. I crept back into the bathroom, water covering the floor, and again I turned on the dryer. Out he came from the crevasse he'd been hiding in. UNDER THE DOOR AND INTO MY ROOM! NOOOOOOOOOOO! Have you no mercy, Lord? 

In hot pursuit, and to the bewilderment of my dog, Molly, I ran into my room realizing that I had nothing with which to kill the beast. I SPOT HIM! Crawling on my hands and knees very quickly towards a stray boot, PLONK! Right into a wall. There was minor head trauma so I knew I must catch, kill, and dispose of the creature before my undoubted concussion set in. As I lunged to smash the spider, Molly became excited and got between us. Down we went! There was a foot and a tail and lots of hair and when it all settled, there was the spider, mocking me with its 8 beady eyes. SMASH! I killed it. I squashed it as I would any enemy who dare try me. 

As I walked to back door, I spoke my final words to the beast:

"If you get the chance, you should kill yourself" (True Detective reference) "but it's too late for that now. I've literally murdered you, intruder. I will kill all of your children, as I have killed you."

Of course, I immediately text Andryw Racca regarding the excitement he missed. Then, I proceeded to have several bouts of night terrors, sleep paralysis to be exact. This had nothing to do with the spider, though. I have sleep paralysis often and have had for 25 years.
When I awoke this morning, I went back to sleep. When I awoke this afternoon, I let the dogs into the back yard while I worked in my garden. It was then that I noticed several things:

1. There is only grass in a small portion of my yard, the very same area from which I am writing to you now. It is akin to being on a desert island and may be the closest I come to a vacation this year.
2. There is CLEARLY a leak in my backyard fountain, because I must add water to it everyday
3. There is CLEARLY a nest of hornets/wasps AND a beehive somewhere near my back gate, because anytime I open the gate I must have wasp spray in hand. Side note: I'm terribly allergic to bees and wasps. 
4. My dog, Archer may have a mild case of dementia.

The 4th item on this list may seem like a rash judgement, and upon further inspection it was. He's not crazy nor is he hallucinating. He has been chasing LIZARDS up and down my back fence. At least one mystery is solved.

Later in the day, I was minding my own, waiting to go to my next torture session with April, (who, based on these work out sessions, is probably well versed in the ancient practice of Chinese water torture) when all of the power in my house shut off. Incensed, I proceeded outside to begin berating the construction workers in my neighborhood. I just knew they were the culprits. The members of the Can't Get Right Crew have cut various lines to my house on multiple occasions and possibly even unlocked my gate and released my dogs. They are dead to me. 

With tensions mounting, I noticed that an LUS worker was in the neighborhood, so I decided it best for diplomatic relations if I spoke with him first. He told me that he was marking off several gas lines on the street and didn't believe the construction workers were doing any digging at the moment. He instructed me to call LUS directly and speak with them about the outage. GEE, I thought, IF I DIDN'T PAY MY BILL THIS WILL BE EMBARRASSING--- but I knew that was impossible. I  am an adult. Also, ANDRYW pays the LUS bill so it wouldn't be my fault anyhow. Having alleviated myself of any possible guilt I called LUS, only to be greeted with, "We know about the city-wide outage ma'am. We're working on it. Thanks". 

Exhausted, sore, with no air conditioning, phone chargers, or refrigerated water (and scared of the piles of laundry possibly  housing spiders in my home) I decided to meet April at the gym. On my way out, do you know what I discovered? Ruthlessness. Our God is a wrathful God. MY FUCKING GARAGE DOOR WONT OPEN WITHOUT ELECTRICITY! I was trapped! Was this karma for killing the spider? Certainly not! His karma was death for invading a beautiful home in the city. 

I turned on the outdoor fan, not for a breeze, but so that I would know when the power returned. I grabbed 2 cans of wasp spray and nervously laid down on the outdoor bed to wait. There was nothing to do, "nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution... that would never come" (Titanic, 1997). Meanwhile, Archer ran off to seek out his lizard playmate. I sat there wondering what he will do should he ever catch one, when my thoughts were interrupted by a knocking on my back fence. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!

Apparently, the LUS guy was trying to ring my doorbell. Sir, are you new here? If the power is out my doorbell doesn't work. Anyway, he came to tell me that it was a city-wide outage and they were working on it.  I could hardly hear him say the words however because--- shock of my LIFE! My innocent, fat, gold-medalist napper Molly is no ordinary lazy dog. She has FOOLED me for 2 1/3 years! Seriously, sometimes this dog is snoring and her eyes are still open... but not today. Not today! Today

MOLLY

FUCKING

LOST IT.

BANANAS

BATSHIT

AN OLYMPIAN!

Bow Down Bitches

Apparently, she can jump eye level with the top of my fence. Thats SIX FEET in the air. This bitch is like AIR BUD, but PISSED! How dare another man speak to her mother when her father isn't home #Loyalty. Her jaws were snapping at the top of the fence like Rose reaching for the guard rail after contemplating suicide and meeting fucking Leonardo DiCaprio! (Titanic, 1997.)

Now, the LUS man is loooooong gone and Molly is still pushing her luck, though I doubt it will last long. She's hopping around the fence trying to catch birds. She may break a hip. Archer is still begging lizards to play with him. I feel like I'm in the new version of Top Gun with all these BZZZZ fly-bys of bees and wasps, apparently strange men think its fine to pop in over my fence, and I can't get my car out of the garage.

THIS IS THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA! It used to be the fucking Catalina wine-mixer, but NOT TODAY! When my phone reached 20% battery I began to contemplate what life would be like once my phone was gone. I instantly regretted not paying closer attention to Life After Humans, but WAIT-- just as I thought life as I knew it was ending, God answered my prayers. #HeavenIsForReal. The power came back on. Also, I realized the fan was unnecessary because the fountain turned on. 

I said it, and it happened. I'm a miracle worker. Most "saints" have to die and then perform miracles.I'm still here, at the Hotel California, performing great feats ALL day. I'm about a million years ahead of Mother Theresa.