Every Girls Weekend You've Ever Been On

Why are girls weekends necessary? Isn't it obvious? They are necessary because sometimes you need to drink wine in a condo near the beach and bitch about other groups of girls who are exactly like you, and that you dislike. Duh!

If you're going to going to the beach for a weekend with your girlfriends, the first thing you're going to need is some jams for the road. Everyone is sick, TO DEATH of the 10 songs played on every radio station and your presets will fade out of range anyway, so it's time for a little Spice Girls pandora. Immediately, "Wanna Be" comes on and everyone is the car grabs a wine bottle (because DUIs are the concern of BASIC BITCHES) and immediately begins singing, 

"So tell me what you want, what you really really want,

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna,I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha."

You're sure you sound great. Everyone is laughing and the selfies are snapping left and right.  Halfway through the bottle, you've reached a small town to stop for gas and snacks. After exiting the local gas station, where you totally forgot your latest diet, a guy hits on the driver of your car at the pump. QUICK! Everyone, jump in the car! The windows go down and  "No Scrubs" starts blazing as you peel out laughing and clinking your Daily's and Mike's Hard Pink Lemonade in celebration. Who does that guy think he is? Hitting on your friend? As if! This is a GIRLS trip, hombre. Bye Felicia!

  2 hours later, you're still an hour away from your destination and everyones pretty much over reminiscing with oldies. It's time to put on something no one cares about, like Art Pop, and lower the radio. Let's gossip. Someone immediately begins dishing about this one bitch that no one likes because she's a whore and has herpes and probably slept with so-and-so and now she thinks she can just DATE someone. Everyone wants to warn this guy about this girl, because like, gross. SAVE HIM! Speaking of guys, now it's time to hear about your friends loser boyfriend, again. He's basically 157% of the reason she came on this girls trip. She knows she needs to break up with him. You know she's going to call him later. She's probably texting him right now.

ZOMG! We're hereeeeeee!

Quick, EVERYONE run to the beach! 100 selfies later, all of your faces are sore from the copious amount of laughter mixed with the million duckfaces. It's fine, though, because this can count as your face yoga, and if you over did it, there is always Botox.  Now, it's time to check out the humble abode you'll be sharing for the next 72 hours. You might as well nickname the hotel Hell, because thats practically what sharing such close quarters with 3 women will be. Women are NOT meant to live together in large packs in small spaces. Someone ate your oreos, someone left the straightener on, and someone takes too long in the one bathroom. TIME OUT- ONE bathroom? Who booked this room? Well that bitch gets the pull-out couch, because I can't even...

The next morning everyone grabs some drinks and heads to the beach to lay-out, listen to Beyonce, and  check out all the boys who aren't allowed to talk to us. THIS IS GIRLS WEEKEND! Everyone wants to get in the water, because its hot. No one wants to get in the water because sand is the worst and you all just did your hair. A true quandary. Around lunch time, you order pizza and pig out on your blankets and discuss what club you're going to tonight. Naptime, everyone gets dressed, quick cheap dinner (you need to save money for more wine!) and then you're off to the bars. 

Upon arrival, everyone hits the bar. Immediately. Then, there are the requisite photo shoot and social media posts. Everyone needs to know where we are and how good we look, but no one better show up because this is OUR TRIP! Everyone look at how much fun we're having! YOU CANT SIT WITH US! Just now, the DJ puts on Ellie Goulding "Burn" and you HAVE to hit the dance floor because this is your JAM! Everyone holds hands and sings passionately, especially your friend with the shitty boyfriend. This gets her RIGHT in the feels. Some guys try to come and dance with you, but I guess they didn't get the memo. Your blunt friend throws her hand up and says, "NO! GIRLS TRIP!". The guys call you bitches and their submissive friend offers to buy you shots. 

Queen B

Suddenly, everyone is getting along! "Drunk in Love" comes on and you're PRETTY sure it's fate, because well... you're drunk and you're also basically Beyonce wind-milling on the beach in a bikini right now. This LITERALLY could NOT be going ANY better. Someone wants to take a group selfie, but you can't find your friend with the awful boyfriend. You secretly all hope she's making out with someone somewhere, but she's not. 

You

After a quick search, you find her. She's on the beach running (in slow motion) into the ocean, crying! Life is HARD! She has like NO responsibilities, except school. Her boyfriend just doesn't understand her and she just can't. She literally fucking CAN'T anymore!

 Everyone decides she needs to break up with him via text, post a Facebook photo of herself with those guys, turn off her phone, and take some shots. She pretends that's what she did, but actually, she texts him "Miss you! Love you!", blocks him from seeing the photo via privacy filter, and takes a shit ton of free shots. You all dance until someone barfs or falls and then it's back to the hotel room. You tell the boys you'll see them tomorrow on the beach.

The next morning you wake up with the worst hangover that's ever happened to anyone of all time. No one understands the level of pain you're in. WHY does everything happen to YOU?! It's the last day of your trip. You're leaving tomorrow. You KNOW you have to make the most of the day so everyone is up early with their various hair of the dog cures, headed to the beach. YOU NEED TO GET AS TAN AS POSSIBLE! Your level of tan is basically a barometer for how great your trip was. One of the guys texts one of the girls and NO ONE wants them to show up. THIS IS A GIRLS TRIP! They offer to BBQ and you tell them your location. The party goes on for the remainder of the day and you all agree to go out together that night.

After nap time, though, all of you girlfriends are dragging, there are no clean towels, and there is sand EVERYWHERE. Like, everywhere! You're sleeping in it. It's in the tub. Somehow, it's in the refrigerator. What even?! Fed up, you decide that if you go out tonight, you'll literally die. Literally.  You all agree to ditch the guidos and stay-in. THIS IS GIRLS WEEKEND ANYWAY! Did everyone forget?! Whatever. You watch E!, tell secrets that can literally NEVER ever EVER be repeated, ever, take some photos to prove you had more fun than anyone is having back at home,  and drink until you pass out. 

The next day is check out and everyone wants to be home, but no one wants to get in the car and go. Plus, all of these bitches are on your last fucking nerve, anyway.